April 1st, 2004

i didnt write this

"Invisible braces since she was ten, to straighten her teeth and give her a
winning smile. Decalcifying bleach to make it sparkle like the sun.
Veneers on her peg laterals to fill out the space. Movie star smile by the
time she was 14.

She's been on a diet since she was twelve to burn off her baby fat, and
since then through of force of habit. She hasn't had a plate of mashed
potatoes in three years. She adds up her meal points on weight watchers,
eats her fill and purges the difference. Three miles a day for five years.
Her body is toned and sleek without being intimidatingly muscular. She has
legs that would put a drag queen to shame. Hair removal by laser surgery,
so she has no razor scars. She's been promised electrolysis for her
twentieth birthday present.

275cc of natural-feeling, non-toxic soy-based breast enhancement, for her
sweet sixteen, to complement her impossibly slender figure with a set of
gravity-defying, realistically elliptical yet irresistibly delectable
tits. She'll never breast feed, but she was raised on formula and she came
out just fine.

The entire football team could be disqualified with a single trace of
illegal steroids, but she can put away as much Adderall as her pharmacist
will conscience prescribing. Her math team scores are the highest in the
state. Her SATs were twin 800s. Her science projects get grant money from
the U.S. Navy. Even Oxford is courting her, despite their historical
skepticism of American secondary education.

When the soul-crushing ennui of her existence becomes unbearable, there's
always 200mg of Lamictal a day to rescue her back from the abyss. Wonder
drug of the 21st century. It makes her happy and leaves her sex drive
intact. An investment like her only gets one chance to slice her wrists.
Now, she can't even imagine wanting to.

She's a visionary. 8mg of Olanzapine to shut the voices in her head up;
400µg of Dextrose Lysergic Acid Diethylamide to bring them back.

She's a rebel. She has a navel piercing and a tongue stud, a tribal design
on the small of her back and plans for another tattoo on her left
shoulder. You can't help but like her. 350mg of artificial Progesterone
three weeks a month and she can fuck anything on two legs without a second
thought. Tetracycline for awkward bacterial STDs, and they'll have a cure
for AIDS and Herpes Simplex any day now. Benzodiazepines or straight up E
for her social anxiety disorder and she can club it up with the best of
them. Heroin for the thrill no man is good enough to give her. Tylenol for
her headache in the morning, foundation to hide the rings under her eyes.

She's eighteen years old. She's getting ready to deliver the valedictorian
speech. Look at her parents. They're beaming. Who ever heard of an
investment panning out this well?"